The lad we know as Jon is a man of humble origins. Being born amidst a very dysfunctional environment would be the world’s most preposterous quote. Pampered since his conception, just close to his thirties he begins to grasp the notion of the rest of the world’s suffering and struggle.
As a young kid he would be distressed by the fact that, although lavished by every toy imaginable, his father lead the toy company, which, according to him, “only carried the toys from crappy cartoons, instead of the cooler ones”. He still wakes up at night upset that he got every Ninja Turtles toy except for the minivan…
When asked for the reason for his rejection to Mexican schooling, he claims the failure to recognize his genius by ignorant Mexican teachers as the cause; “I was a diamond in the rough” is the phrase one would hear him utter while he rocked back and forth in the corner of his padded cell after one of his multiple expellments.
A nameless Katsa working undercover for the Mossad informs of a victorious coup d’état, against a despicable individual hated by most of his peers, but the ensuing catastrophe could not have been imagined by Jon.
He was forced into exile for political reasons from this third world country’s teaching institutions and sought intellectual refuge in the most prestigious and secretive prep schools for the elite.
Eventually, his interest in bears (not the human kind of course) would lead him to the University of California in Berkeley. His disappointment would soon turn to joy as he found himself to be in the company of peers and like-minded intellects. He would later say that those were the best 8 years of his life. He also knew William Hung, and hated him.
Jon suffers from a condition known as “Malinchismo” whereby a person denounces his nationality (Mexican) in the place of a better one. While he would prefer to be referred to as American [“I really am American; look at my American passport” is his trademark line] he knows deep within himself he will never truly be a gringo. The result of this realization is an ambiguous self of nationality; thus he has chosen to travel the world (he has so far seen 42% of the world according to his Facebook profile) in search of a place where he will be accepted as an American. No success so far.
His quest on having sex in every continent is close to being done (Antarctica doesn’t count as he claims to not have an interest in fucking penguins… as of yet). Asia was to be his next target until he realized he couldn’t tell apart the males from females and preferred to save himself the embarrassment of being in a close encounter of the third sex…
Psychological profilers have ascertained that he has an immense attraction to Scarlett Johansson (whoever that is) Guinness Beer, and an acute case of homophobia…
He was last seen struggling to be a productive member of society. Godspeed Jon.
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